How I feel right now

 

Real Life experiences and the need for social approval.

The only ones who do not seek social approval are those who have it.

The same goes for attention, power, wealth, and knowledge. In Solomon’s book of Proverbs, I encountered the light about a man through desire separating himself to seek and intermeddle with all wisdom and it struck a chord with me. 

Emotional life: The earlier years of my emotional life were fraught with negative emotions that I have come to identify with relationships, although I now understand why this was so – my own emotional life wasn’t the best and this reflected in my actions and attracted all the things that I didn’t want in my relationships. I feel relationships – the deep ones – make life better (I don’t feel this, or else I’d have been in a relationship..duh but I have the head knowledge). Women are just going to externalize all their feelings and if you have something in your feelings that you’re secretive about, you’d better steer clear.

Men are many things but women still have a sounder knowledge of how emotions and feelings work, I mean you see how women can conveniently hide the birth status of their children only for the men to find out in unexpected ways – in short, except a woman says her secrets or God reveals something to you (God doesn’t give a damn tho’, the woman is the man’s problem or solution), men would be in the dark. If one is used to the status of girls’ being emotional and stupid, one would be shocked to encounter women who are knowledgeable about kinds of stuff – this can be quite intimidating.

My mother did a good job in terms of upbringing, I wish it went way better but then my mum has a more enhanced masculine side than most women do, which means that situations that could have been settled quite softly had to be battled out. Every man’s idea of women is generally built on the ideas he has of his mom. I’m not a guy who needs women to fall sick to reveal his softer side, I’m not that guy and I am just who I am… whatever that means!!

Well, life took a different turn and that was good, the only stuff I seemed to have any iota of feelings for was the public attention, but then it got annoying because it was simply translating the vibe of, getting Teeman’s attention means that you have to go public – crazy kinds of stuff! I was able to get rid of that obsession and now what I have sole feelings for is me. I used to think I was not like every normal kid and thought it was a problem but it wasn’t – apparently, it’s my thinking that it was a problem that made it a problem.  

 

On Social status and power

I do have these stuff and while I do appreciate the goodwill they bring, the truth is these graces don’t bring joy in themselves, but they can open doors that will culminate in joyful endings and so is every other good blessing out there – intelligence, beauty, etc

I think what keeps me on top of my game is knowledge.

My life indeed took a turn after my service year, I got better against all odds while losing all I previously had – I knew that new wine have to be put in new bottles. I run on different programming now, and sometimes I look at folks who run on the programming I deserted and wonder if they are indeed happier. But then nice pictures and positive public announcements to the whole world don’t translate to happiness especially if your posts don’t gain the traction that you were looking for then it becomes a case of the handshake extending way beyond the elbow. I just traded whatever was superfluity for my happiness which is paramount. Better deal plus I think I already saw it all.

(The Betas et. al wonder why the Alphas don’t give a damn about these things, ain’t that why they are Alphas? If you don’t give a damn about something, either it’s beneath you or you’re beneath it)

Relationships especially when it is romantic are initially sweet because they are new and newness has its sweetness. It also provides a companion who can be a human mirror reflecting yourself to you and magnifying whatsoever emotions one had while single. How one acts in his own family is literally how one would act in a married relationship. Again, I don’t feel the need for a relationship but I know that once the feels come, a relationship is going to feel like the best thing in the world. The feelings surrounding those who are in a relationship right are probably not-as-bright and that’s why the married want more of the unmarried to get married so that they can be a beneficiary of the feelings that would emerge by proxy. I feel this game is a zero-sum game and really… fuck relationships!!! (PS; this is just the state of my mind right now, nothing personal)

My last relationship just revealed how emotionally primitive I was and this is a bitter pill for a guy like me to swallow but that showed me how much I wish to not be in the game for now. The feelings are still there, and here am I thinking that more years would at least make me better off, but then I found it hard talking about my fears, waves of anger, and all because I felt and knew that it could be used against me so I keep a sealed mouth. Fuck the bullies!!! Fuck the bastards who use every opportunity to get something out of the unsuspecting. Like really, after all your antics and tactics and a lost war, when you get into that scary place you call your feelings, how would you even feel good? Impossicant!

Well, I’m not interested in sharing my stories with anyone, If I was to even share my story then that means that I really do like and love you and I’m not even sure yet if I do. No one indeed loves their children more than mothers but yeah, I’ve got nothing to say. For sure, whoever knows loads and loads about you holds some degree of power over you and when you have this authoritative bent in you, you tend to view simple things quite differently “honey please help me carry the vegetables downstairs and bring them up, afterward help me warm the stew” can be seen as “Have I become her servant that she’s ordering me around?” Now, you’re not thinking of whether she’s tired or she’s fagged out, you’re only in your feelings.

{I think I know why those who write the best romantic books or scripts for the best romantic movies around don’t necessarily have good and sound marriages… I mean, see me saying stuff I ordinarily would not think of doing normally – I hate to be ordered around actually, quite a different case if you’re higher in authority than I am}

What people say about me is based on who they’ve observed me to be over the years but I do have the creative power to craft a new definition of myself, the thing is if you don’t define your reality, society would do it for you & this is difficult because it takes loads of courage to define your reality.

How to define your reality?

This is made possible by giving out everything good from you till it becomes established in reality. Elite status is attained once this is done, life naturally rewards you if you do or plant something good into its garden.